Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
