if you like me you must not know who I am
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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