We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
