Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
