The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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