I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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