So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
