i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
we're so committed to being not committed
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
