I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
