I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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