I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
