Having a random hookup so left but love u
I think my vagina is haunted
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
