At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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