In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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