Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
