I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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