Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Need sex. Gaining weight.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
