I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
