Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
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He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
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He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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