I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
