This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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