I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
