My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
