there's paper in my vomit.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
