I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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