I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
