the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
