I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
