You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
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we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
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I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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