literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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