the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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