Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
The maid of honor just puked.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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