I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
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