At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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