He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
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