he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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