She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Still dying that you shit outside
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
