I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
