Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
