I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
