fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
