so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
