Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
