once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
