Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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