Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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