VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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