Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
