I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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