Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
