I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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