today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
