dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
