I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Pants are for mortals
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
