is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
