Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
