When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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