Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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