I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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